Where am I heading???

Dear diary,

What has happened  to me...??

Kya ho gaya hai muje,kya ban gai hun main...

Everything  irritates me..Laughing, shouting, talking irritates me..I have actually  become too rude to myself...Failures  and  waiting for things to click are the only two things going on in my head...I am bored of myself.. Can not say these things to others ....Can not say  what I feel ,what is bothering me??Obviously I am disappointed.. of myself..I am walking alone but can not see any way out..

Only because  I am not getting what I am expecting from life..

Waiting for success is really difficult... I definitely  agree that I am waiting for success  to achieve what I dreamt for..

I started following  my dream after gathering so much courage that can not be explained  in words..so failing or even the fear of it is disturbing  me...It's  making me restless..

Dear diary,What is next ??You know me..I usually  don't  loose hope easily, I donot give up..Rather I never give up at all..What should I  do with these negative feelings cropping in my head..while I am waiting for things to fall in place.....I need some direction..I am currently not finding a way... 

 Dear Diary, don't you think, I am talking weird..I am  behaving weirdly..Kya karun??

But can't  leave my dream in halfway...Have to somehow again gather all the broken pieces and start putting efforts..and keep on nourishing  a plant that is not giving me any fruits whatsoever...I am sad..but will not leave my dream...I can't..because in that case I  will do total injustice to my own dream...Whenever it was something to do with my dreams,my aspirations..I myself was  least interested.. I was negatively biased and indifferent towards my own  aspirations..They were never important..but now that atleast I am moving towards my dream,I have something to call my own. Although I am  not successful  as yet but hope definitely  still exists and  I will achieve  success as well...I know I keep on losing hope,then again I counsel myself to carry on..but one thing is sure,I absolutely  agree that journey  is going to be damn difficult..nobody said  that  following a dream and achieving it will be a cake walk..but  I must confess handling emotional  turbulences  in our own heads is really difficult  and heartbreaking..but I will continue and never ever stop to pursue my own silly little dream...😇😇😇😊😊💞

Dear Diary, I am Tired of failing...

Namaste  everyone,

This post was written by me in my diary when I was really tired of failing again and again despite trying the hardest and giving my best..hope you relate with it.

Many people like me who have lived and still continue to live ordinary lives..are really sick and tired of failing all the time..We never get expected results...not at par ever with our own expectations...we fail ourselves many a times or rather most of the times....
This pretty good track record of failing makes us deep down so... so underconfident and really sad...continuing becomes real difficult..The feelings of  unworthiness  are really empowering us..
What next...What is way out of this..?? Are we going to be like this all our lives...??All kind of negative thoughts  are hitting us real hard...We donot know whom to approach  for help..We are not at all vocal to others about the thoughts in  our head and feelings  in our hearts..

We never expressed that the little little things that we failed to achieve  were  very very important  to us...They were our little dreams..they were what we always wanted to be..
We wanted to be ,The real independent ones both emotionally  and financially..We proved to be failures all the times.. with no answers  or justifications at all..What are we really doing wrong ? What makes us fit for nothing ?Are we really unworthy?Why are we only destined for all this?
The repercussions  of failures are deep routed..they are definitely  making us very weak deep inside...they make our lives miserable and results in full financial  and emotional dependence  on others..that is not at all a healthy  choice for any individual..We are getting totally off track..Losing all the time is not easy..
Sense of some kind of accomplishment makes a individual  feel worthy of living..It makes  them feel happy and joyful..It definitely  gives them purpose  for life..A deep sense of feeling important and successful in our own eyes and also  for others is very much inspiring  for a individual  to carry on in life.. The sole purpose  of being successful  in achieving  our dreams is to make our ownselves and our loved ones real  proud..But failing all the time is really hitting hard...and most importantly gathering courage over and over again to start afresh is very easy to say but extremely  difficult  to accomplish...😕😕😕😕😕

Walking alone..in the dark but towards light...

Walking alone..in the dark but towards light...

Namaste everyone,
Dear diary,
You know me,How unworthy I was feeling ,How alone I was,How underconfident  and insecure I have been all my life..How afraid I have always been ,How introvert I have always been,How ordinary and average  I have always been...
But one fine day that was not so fine , I started feeling how I was wasting my life on account of my own insecurities...I never had others to blame for my failed life...I always took responsibility for my life..but never valued neither my life nor my aspirations  for myself  from me..I was not that person who expected a lot from others around me..but obviously I had some atleast some expectations... Actually I used to feel annoyed and disappointed when people failed  to meet my little little expectations  from them..like all of us.
I had realised  I always failed myself..I was  never capable of meeting  my  own expectations  from myself and was never even bothered a bit..Waiting for something to click or something  magical to happen or some of the people around  me will realise what I really need..and I will get a breakthrough  in life..because although  I am pretty ordinary  and simple I always had a dream that I  even hid from myself and kept it deep within my heart for years altogether but never did anything about it..These were my stupidest  feelings ever..I never had the courage  to do something for
myself..Following my dream was next to impossible  for such a pessimistic  person like me...
But now that I  have  gathered  some confidence  to follow my dream that really makes me happy and gives me a purpose ..I feel sense of accomplishment ,I have something of my own now..I am far more relaxed  and satisfied  in life..I was never like this before...
But dear diary,I have still not gathered enough confidence  to let people know that I have started a new journey..I am still skeptical  about the outcomes  of my efforts ...I am still afraid..but somehow I have decided  not to stop and walk alone..
Walking alone has it's own pros and cons...
Pros :Walking alone you are not answerable to any body ,You have no fear of judgements..You are your own boss..You are what you really are ,You need not pretend  anything..You have all the freedom to think,feel and express the way you personally  feel ..You are  yourself  your biggest  critic ,You are not  afraid of failing  or committing  any mistakes..
You feel independent, You feel strong..You are no more insecure...because  you have no one else..
Cons:You are sometimes  really afraid,You need somebody to validate  your work..You need suggestions ,You definitely  need emotional and moral support..You need somebody  to lift you up when you fall..You need somebody  to pacify  you when you cry..You always need somebody  to say that
1."I am with you,Everything  will be Ok"..
2."I will be with you no matter what"
3."I love you..my love is not defined by your success  or failure  in life".
I always keep juggling  these thoughts  in my mind but I can no way stop..
Dear readers, If you relate with me in slightest  possible way ,Please decide to restart and follow  your dream..😊😊😊

My diary,my best friend, Day 2.

My diary,my best friend..2

Namaste everyone,
The day I started writing  my diary,I am feeling relieved a lot ,One funny thing I realized is that "I also talk a lot.." although in the form of my writings  to my diary.. Fear of judgement  is not there,I donot have to feel anxious  that my thought process does not gel well the contemporary  ways of our society 's functionalities most importantly, I will never hurt anybody ever ..That has always been my priority, that is the main reason I donot talk much or speak out loud or even speak without thinking and as a result of which I always present a polished version of myself..I never want to hurt anybody in this world ever..
With my writings  my sole intention  is to express my ideas and feelings in a free manner and noway intend to be rude or insulting  to others. One more important  thing ,I can easily  say 'No' to things I donot like ,I need not seek approvals  for every thing I do..I need not  pretend to be 'OK'all the time..I can feel sad  about things happening..I can tell how I actually felt about the loose comments people make on me ...without telling them.Although in real life also I do not bother much  but deep down I do feel offended in many ways,but I was never able to express in any possible  way..but now I can easily tell "My best friend,  My Diary". I  also do had a strong feeling that no body was really bothered also...
But now I am enjoying my freedom of expressing myself freely  and fully.. Sometimes what we actually  feel does not feel relevant to others..It is  possibly because thought process  of no two individuals  can be totally  same..I agree with this..we ordinary people often choose to not express or tell our feelings if we experience rude, unbothered or indifferent  behavior  from others.
The best thing about my best friend,my Diary is that I can clearly  pull my heart out,can say whatever I feel like saying..and surprisingly my silent listener will 100% agree with me ..😊😊😊Isn't  it delightful..that You really have somebody who never disagrees with you and  will always  have the patience  to hear you out any time of the day..And  bingo..it never complaints about anything..expects nothing..absorbs all negativity in our minds without passing a single abusive judgement..This makes me really understand why we all can become each others diaries..A life less diary can give you so much satisfaction  that nobody in the real word can ever give..It also gives a huge scope of introspection..that what have we become..all of us really..Think about it🤔🤔

My diary,my best friend ,Day 1

My diary,my best friend..

Namaste everyone,
My dearest diary ,the only real friend I have..Sounds strange but it is true..to the core..People will  be surprised  to hear this...As I have a full family life ,I have kids ,although I stay in a nuclear  family with my husband and two kids in Bangalore..I talk with my mother and with my  sister almost daily..I do have good neighbours also  and it appears that I do have a pretty normal life,and it is true also ..but the thing is about my thoughts  that continuously remind me of a unsuccessful life of mine and  that  bothers me, I lack a real purpose,but "everybody will be surprised  if I say I have nobody to talk to and I donot tell people what I actually feel but present a very fine version  that everything is pretty good.."
My mother will start scolding me if she somehow oneday reads it and will definitely  say that I am mad..Actually I am realĺy fed up of these superficial talks that say," Are You Ok" and the obvious anwer is ,"Ya , absolutely ".. 
I was always surprised  to see people being so socially  active ,they talk soo much..they may actually  feel free to talk ,They look attractive and good..They are very very active  on  Facebook  ,Instagram and WhatsApp...They share their personal life  on social media and feel comfortable about it..But on the other hand I never share anything on my social media accounts although I have them, for scrolling  into other people's  lives ...I donot have many photographs  of myself to change my DP daily ,some people change DPs hourly..I find it very strange..Its not that I am  telling them to stop because I donot do it ..But  I feel that they do live life and If they choose to or feel free to share it or even flaunt it that is absolutely  their choice..
But the thing that has started bothering me is , What is wrong with me?Why am I so introvert..Why can not I even change my DP ,may be because it will  allow people to judge how I look,how boring is my life if I share pictures on Facebook..Why am I  unable to express what I feel,what I really want..I donot know..
Actually  people around us also feel that our feeling like this is not at all important.. But now that I   have started writing  my diary,my only friend I really feel free now I have someone  to  talk to I donot have to sugar coat my feelings and expressions about things ,people and circumstances..It is surprising  , how I am expressing my feelings quite freely,as nobody is gonna judge me about my failed life so far..nobody will tell me that I am mad..about the way I feel about life , I  do  not have pretend  anything.. I need not fake my feelings..I have always felt ,Why I feel alone in crowd..I am looking for answers..my diary will help me find answers..😊😊